Today I was so preoccupied with the tons of things that I needed to do. I didn’t even know where I should start. I thought I need to have some break, to loosen my mood a bit, to just relax, before I went back to my academic works. That is why, I decided to browse in my wordpress account and found Raison D’être.
This made me remember one of my professors in college as he happened to tell us about this word when we were discussing one of our topics in DEVC 180. It is a beautiful word meaning “the reason for my existence.” This memory made me click onto the link and read through.
The article was short but very meaningful. I somehow find relevance to the example given and made me think:
Indeed, what is my Raison D’être?
So, this is a blog in response to the challenge posed to us, its readers. It is a challenge that I would like to respond as it is something that is timely for me and a chance to let other people know my share of story.
What is my reason for existence?
It is a question that would be hard to answer when it was asked for me years before. It is because back then, I never knew my purpose.
I was a fool before. With this I mean that I usually depend on myself. I never acknowledge other people’s contribution or help. I never allow them to be within my protective sphere. I always cast them out. This is because I have my own considered painful and hurtful history which made me that way.
Back then, I was a very serious person. I was very private. I was very distant. I was a loner.
But during that time, I don’t care as long as I can live for myself; as long as I was able to achieve what I wanted in my life. I believe then, that it was only I who can make myself happy. It was only I who is capable of loving and taking good care of myself.
This is because I was raised in a family wherein dependence is not an option. At an early age of six, I was taught to be independent.
During that time I was already able to do the household chores, look over at my younger siblings at school, eat on my own during recess and lunch break, dress myself, etc. These were the responsibilities and tasks that a child at my age was uncommon.
By that time, parents were still very visible feeding their sons/daughters, tending to their needs, conveying them to school and waiting for them right after the whole day class. It was such a simple gesture that a child like me back then felt so isolated.
I never felt that way. I never experienced it.
I felt that time that I was deprived of my parents’ love and attention. I felt sad and was trying to reason to myself that it is because they were busy. That is why my only option was to be forced to mature, to be forced to ignore the common things that my other classmates back then was experiencing. I thought back then, it was not for my case.
Then, I live with that mentality for a long time until I entered high school.
However, I discovered that all those things were LIES that I made myself to believe. I was just not understanding the reasons behind it. I never understood that it was for my own sake; that it was because my parents trusted me completely with my capability to stand on my own. By that age, I was able to win their complete trust that I am responsible, reliable, independent, caring daughter and “Ate” to my siblings.
Yes, I have proven it to them. But the sad thing was, I don’t have the purest heart for those responsibilities because I just wanted to have fun like the other kids during that time.
But I have learned to live with it and accept those responsibilities and tasks whole-heartedly because GOD MADE ME THAT WAY, because HE BELIEVES that I CAN.
So, right now, I believe that my Raison D’être is to be a living testimony of the Lord‘s glory through being a mirror of his words and his acts when He was still living with us on Earth.