Category Archives: Journal Entry

A Letter to Myself When I Know It’s Time to Move On

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Photo from cyclistchic.com

He’s a far-fetched thought right now.
Don’t let him affect the you today as much as he is currently doing now.
You still control your thoughts especially your emotions where you are most vulnerable to him.
So control it with the best you can…until nothing is yet set. Nothing is yet fine.
Focus on your studies first. You still have things to accomplished. You still have goals to accomplished.
Let him  be just thoughts, words in the virtual world.
Let just his words serve as your inspiration and motivation in whatever you are doing.

Let him be part of it. Part of your thoughts but not much of your thoughts for it will cause your destruction. As you know, he can be a great distraction to your studies. Not yet. Not yet. Learn to restrain yourself.

If the right time comes, you can let go of that strain and really taste and feel the feeling. Savor it. Do whatever you want.

I know right now, you are thinking of the things you want to have and achieve for yourself. Being with him would not allow you to accomplish those. And you know that you are not yet ready to give yourself to him because you know you are not that whole.

So first, make yourself almost whole. Let yourself experienced more about life so that you can share much of yourself to him. As you know, he would like it much better.

You are still unripe. You know that. But you are…only in slow and appropriate process. Don’t rush your process for him. Serve the Lord. Search and have and intimate relationship with him. He knows best. He knows you better than anyone else. He knows when is the right time. Trust in it. Look forward to it. It will be the best thing that could ever happen to your life.

You have shed a lot of tears already but it’s part of your growth. Embrace it. Learn from it. You can be more because of it. I know you feel that what you are writing is his words but remember, it is still yours. You know it before. He just made it clear. He just made it visible. He made you realize those things. And for that I know you are very much thankful to him.

 

 

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The Time you said, “Halt!”

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It has been too long since I was able to write this blog entry. As those were the months that the Lord was working on my life. He is teaching me a wonderful lesson about love and maturity. Trust me when I say, it was very challenging. But nonetheless, it was worth the journey.

Firstly, let us discuss about how the Lord taught me where I am in the aspect of love.

I know for a fact that I am mature enough in my decision especially in terms of knowing what is good and what is bad in terms of love. Also, I have set my priorities first that I faithfully abide. To cite some I have planned to graduate on time and to find a decent job. Two of which I have accomplished so far.

However, the Lord tested me with the firmness of decision. As what he has said in His word in Jeremiah 17:10:

“I the LORD search the heart, I test the mind, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings.”

The Lord exactly tested my will through laying down on my path a guy who’s almost my ideal guy. He is very intellectual, aggressive, creative, insightful, logical, rational, principled, dominant, poetic, and many more that made me like him in a special way I haven’t felt with anyone. There seems to be that chemistry between us that the two of us felt back then. It was a very wonderful feeling.

Nevertheless, this made me STOP, THINK, and PRAY HARD to the Lord. I know that the Lord allowed me to met this guy for a reason and I prayed that the Lord allowed me to learn from this experience the things He wanted me to learn. Now I am sharing it with you.

  1. PRAY. I pray as well for the Lord’s wisdom in dealing with that events in my life together with him.
  2. READ THE BIBLE.  I know back then that I would make mistakes along the way, that’s why in advance, I sought for the Lord’s words more than ever.
  3. SOAK. Having a quiet time allowed me to reflect on the actions that I have done and the words that I have said.
  4. ASK COUNSEL. Asking counsel was one of the handy means whenever someone in similar situation as mine especially from those people who have experienced it already. You know you can trust their words because they’ve been there and they would never wanted you to suffer the same ordeal as they did. They served as counselors for you to make a wise and effective decisions in your life.
  5. LISTEN. It always pays to listen because it will prevent you from putting yourself deeper into the mud and it prevents you from getting hurt due to immature decisions.
  6. SURRENDER. I pray to the Lord to use me as an instrument of His workings for our lives. I sought for His guidance every time and willingly surrendered him, myself, and the time we have with each other. My journey was NEVER ALONE.
  7. ACCEPT. During that time, I have accepted my situation and only asked for the Lord’s deliverance. For I strongly believe in the Lord’s power over everything in the world especially in times of difficulty. One great story is in the book of Daniel.

For those months that I have been I could only ask:

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts.” (Psalm 139:23)

Of course, I am also afraid but faith overcomes my fear. Every time I am afraid, I just remember how the Lord calms the turbulent sea. I always hold onto His promises. His words are ever binding.

My Raison D’être

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Today I was so preoccupied with the tons of things that I needed to do. I didn’t even know where I should start. I thought I need to have some break, to loosen my mood a bit, to just relax, before I went back to my academic works. That is why, I decided to browse in my wordpress account and found Raison D’être.

This made me remember one of my professors in college as  he happened to tell us about this word when we were discussing one of our topics in DEVC 180. It is a beautiful word meaning “the reason for my existence.” This memory made me click onto the link and read through.

The article was short but very meaningful. I somehow find relevance to the example given and made me think:

Indeed, what is my Raison D’être?

So, this is a blog in response to the challenge posed to us, its readers. It is a challenge that I would like to respond as it is something that is timely for me and a chance to let other people know my share of story.

What is my reason for existence?

It is a question that would be hard to answer when it was asked for me years before. It is because back then, I never knew my purpose.

I was a fool before. With this I mean that I usually depend on myself. I never acknowledge other people’s contribution or help. I never allow them to be within my protective sphere. I always cast them out. This is because I have my own considered painful and hurtful history which made me that way.

Back then, I was a very serious person. I was very private. I was very distant. I was a loner.

But during that time, I don’t care as long as I can live for myself; as long as I was able to achieve what I wanted in my life. I believe then, that it was only I who can make myself happy. It was only I who is capable of loving and taking good care of myself.

This is because I was raised in a family wherein dependence is not an option. At an early age of six, I was taught to be independent.

During that time I was already able to do the household chores, look over at my younger siblings at school, eat on my own during recess and lunch break, dress myself, etc. These were the responsibilities and tasks that a child at my age was uncommon.

By that time, parents were still very visible feeding their sons/daughters, tending to their needs, conveying them to school and waiting for them right after the whole day class. It was such a simple gesture that a child like me back then felt so isolated.

I never felt that way. I never experienced it.

I felt that time that I was deprived of my parents’ love and attention. I felt sad and was trying to reason to myself that it is because they were busy. That is why my only option was to be forced to mature, to be forced to ignore the common things that my other classmates back then was experiencing. I thought back then, it was not for my case. 

Then, I live with that mentality for a long time until I entered high school.

However, I discovered that all those things were LIES that I made myself to believe. I was just not understanding the reasons behind it. I never understood that it was for my own sake; that it was because my parents trusted me completely with my capability to stand on my own. By that age, I was able to win their complete trust that I am responsible, reliable, independent, caring daughter and “Ate” to my siblings.

Yes, I have proven it to them. But the sad thing was, I don’t have the purest heart for those responsibilities because I just wanted to have fun like the other kids during that time.

But I have learned to live with it and accept those responsibilities and tasks whole-heartedly because GOD MADE ME THAT WAY, because HE BELIEVES that I CAN.

So, right now, I believe that my Raison D’être is to be a living testimony of the Lords glory through being a mirror of his words and his acts when He was still living with us on Earth.

Heed to the things we have heard

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“Therefore we must give the more earnest heed to the things we have heard, lest we drift away.” – Hebrews 2:1

 

Clinging to something sometimes proves how much value it has for a person but sometimes it also proves how much a person has been stagnant about an event or another person. It makes it harder for a person to move on and forget what was. It makes it harder for him to take another step and create a new life from it.

There are times that we thought we are moving forward; experiencing new things from different time of our lives. But sometimes it is just a facade that makes us believe that we are. Even if the truth is, we are NOT. We just continue going on a circular path.

We thought we’ve seen new things but it was just the same things we saw before. We just didn’t realize since we are not paying attention. We are too full of ourselves and we neglect our environment and THE MOST IMPORTANT LESSON we need to learn.

We’ve taken for granted so many things. Live a carefree life when in fact you/we are not used to it. We tried to adapt to changes.

 

But the question is:

ARE YOU HAPPY?

ARE YOU SATISFIED?

IS THIS THE REAL YOU?

or

IS IT JUST A MASK THAT HIDES YOUR “TRUE SELF”?

 

You’ll going to ask: WOULD SOMEONE GONNA LOVE ME IF I AM JUST A FAKE?

 

Yeah, it is indeed true that we change because it is NEEDED. 

We need it to SURVIVE and if we don’t we’ll be LEFT BEHIND, FORGOTTEN, and SOMETIMES MOCKED. We will be REJECTED!

 

Nobody want such cruel thing to happen in their lives. Nobody wants to experience and feel it. It is TOO PAINFUL. A person is hurt deeply. His or her heart started to crumble along with his personality.

It may implied that there is something wrong about him or her that makes him or her unsettled and uncomfortable. Sooner, it will lead to LONELINESS if not mitigated. Then, you will find yourself ALONE.

It is a sad fate that everyone can end up to. It is a sad fate for those people who are ignorant to deal with it properly.

 

Life is Worth Living.

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Too many literary, auditory, visual, and audio-visual works have already been made to express, elucidate, and present what life means — why life is worth living for. That it having varied and diverse medium of presenting to the people, started to diminish it’s real essence. It has become a common word, concept, or topic that people do not really give much attention to the core of life — to the core of their lives.

People have been too preoccupied with the worldy things; even bombarded with the mountainous tasks in their respective fields that thinking how they should be living their lives are already being set aside. They started to act like machines, following only the orders that are programmed in their system. They started to become slaves of time which in reality, must be otherwise.

People are put to the extreme pressures their working spheres and people surrounding them have bequeathed. These things made them feel that good was never enough. It MUST always be perfect. These things made them want to achieve MORE just for the merits of recognition and acceptance in our flawed society. They always felt the need to go with the flow of things that to contradict it would mean more pains and hurts to resist. It is a thing that to do so would require so much energy and motivation that they almost always wanted to give in, just for the sake of being free from the burdens of suffering.

That nowadays, so many people are thinking of killing themselves just to escape the pressures the society has pressed upon them. But really, is killing yourselves a viable option? Aren’t doing so only proves that one is a coward? One only run away from it but the problem is not really addressed. One just escaped from it but NEVER face it.

To face the problems especially one’s fears means one is being strong. Doesn’t a person want that for oneself? I know people might say that these things are easily said rather than done. Yes, I know because I have listened to the many stories of my closest friends who have thought of doing so. That it just pains me deeply in my heart that because of these norms in the society, it made them to think to do such unforgivable acts at the stake of their lives.

I always plead them to change their mindset. Everyday I make it to a point to ask them how they are doing? how they are coping? Have they found another motivation? I tried every words and means to convince them; to make them realize that they are loved, valued, appreciated by their family and friends. To say whatever things just to put a stop to their recurring thoughts of death. But my approach seemed to be worthless. I  believe that it is even not convincing. My attempt was futile.

They already know these things. They’re not dumb people who need constant reminding of the good things life has brought in their lives. What I believe are the things that they need is another person’s company; another person’s genuine love; another person’s understanding. They need someone who is willing to help them not judge them. They need someone who will listen to them and not criticize them. Let them tell you their sufferings. Be their comfort and shield in this harsh and crooked world. Be their strength.

Also, always offer the problems to the Lord Almighty, for by prayer and petition, a great change will happen. As the Lord has said:

“So do not fear, for I am with you’ do no be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” – NIV Isaiah 41:10

What the Lord God only asks from us is our TRUST (Psalms 56:3 “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.”) — to surrender our lives to him for he is our creator and He knows what is best for us. More importantly, He knows the reason of our sufferings. He alone can reveal what these seasons/stages mean in our lives. He is the ONLY ONE who can reveal it AT THE RIGHT TIME.

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There is time for everything,

and season for every activity under the heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 NIV

FIRST thing FIRST!

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Let’s get things right.

I have been creating blogging sites for years already. But nothing seems to be right.

There has always been this feeling of incompleteness. There has always been this feeling of emptiness. It’s like something is lacking. But I could not really grasp what is that ‘something’ I am missing.

Not until this time…

I used to write blogs just for the fun of it. For self-gratification, yes, maybe I did. For people’s recognition — Oh boy, I really did. I tried to look at my stats on how much my blogs could get viewed by other netizens. But unfortunately, I failed. The visits were at its minimum. And I thought back then, maybe, I was not interesting enough. I thought I was not really mature enough to compete with the number of talented, creative, and clever minds over the internet. Furthermore, I thought I do not have the writer’s skills to start with which made me sadder.

However, my family and closest friends proved me wrong. They made me believe about the possibility that my voice can be heard even with these millions of users around the world. I definitely have something to say! Maybe not that intellectually crafted as most of them did, but something that I will be able to give my point — my stand as a free individual. Who doesn’t want to have such privilege?

And with this blogging site, I am taking my stand, putting forth my beliefs and will to be a genuine person with the right intention to serve a certain cause.

Yours truly,

Thy Hephzibah